My Journal

June 13, 2005, 6:35p.m.      I am beginning to think that he isn’t what he seems. He’s changing and I don’t understand why or what’s causing it. I barely noticed it until today. His attitude seems to be ever changing, his mood swings are fast. One minute he’s the man I met, who could make me smile. Then he turns into this person I don’t even know. He says he’s just stressed out. He apologized for raising his voice, but it didn’t seem sincere. I told him he can’t talk to me any way he wants and expect me to take it. Hell he must not know who he dealing with. I’ll leave his ass where he stands. Being single don’t mean a damn thing to me. I accepted his apology, but I made sure to let him know that under no circumstances will I tolerate or accept any mistreatment from him. I deserve better than that!

August 22, 2005, 2:30a.m.     It’s getting worse. Oh hell, it is worse! No need in lying to myself when I will be the only one reading this. I truly don’t know what to do. In the few months we’ve been together, I’ve fallen in love with this man. But I’m beginning to think that love won’t be enough. He tells me every day that he loves me. The problem is he doesn’t show it. I don’t know what to do. I know he can be a good man, I see that in him. I just wish he could see it in himself. I know that if he just sees how much I care for him and that I would never leave him no matter what, he wouldn’t second guess everything we go through.

I’ve never dated an older man, so I don’t know if our age difference is the reason why he’s acting so possessive. It’s almost like I can’t move without him moving. He’s here all the time. I can barely breathe when he’s in the room. I went to the library yesterday without him. Just to get some alone time. I’d been on the computer for a while, when I looked up and saw him sitting across the room, staring at me. I didn’t even see him come in. I don’t know what to think of that.

I’m sure that as time passes he will see that I am here for the long haul. I’m here until the day this earth stops spinning. He needs me. I love him. I pray for this man more than I pray for myself.

 

September 22, 2005, 6:58p.m.      I tried to leave him. I really did. Of course that didn’t last long. He hit me for the first time. I knew that this is not how it should be, so I broke up with him. He gave me a couple of days and showed up at my door. And I let him. I thought after that first time he would see that I was not going for the hitting. I wasn’t going to have it. As of yesterday, it got terribly worse. And to be honest I don’t know how to react. I feel like a part of me has died. A couple’s first time should be something special and romantic…this was not. I know what rape is, but I didn’t think a man would do something like that to someone he was in a relationship with. Why would he? There is really no need to do something so awful. It shouldn’t happen to anyone for that matter.

And now I am sitting here not sure what to do. Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. I feel like something in me has died and I will never get it back. After all of this, I still accepted his apology. How stupid can I be?

I try to hide the fact that I cry all the time. Blaming it on my allergies. The first few months of a relationship is not supposed to be like this. It’s supposed to be new and exciting. I’m supposed to feel beautiful and sexy. Not…damaged.

October 31, 2005, 3:00a.m.      I don’t think I have ever been this scared in my life. It’s Halloween and I’m more terrified than I have ever been. For some reason he thinks I’m cheating on him. Really?! Who the hell would want me? No one pays attention to me anyway. It started over something as simple as seeing me talking to a friend. Even though he didn’t say anything in front of my friend I could tell he was angry. When we got back to his house all hell broke loose. Literally. He started on me from the time we walked into the front door all the way to the bedroom. I knew this was the night I would die. But I didn’t. I left quietly while he slept. I don’t know when he will realize that I’m gone, but I couldn’t lay there next to him after what happened tonight. I know I can’t go back, but I feel like I can’t stay away from him. In spite of everything, he needs me. I truly believe that he will change and be a good man, if he would just realize how much I love him. He was the man for me. He told me that he was my husband and I trusted and believed him. Now I am stuck in a relationship that I don’t think I will make it out of. At this very moment, I want to die. Help me Lord!

November 4, 2005, 12:00a.m.      It is officially my 26th birthday. I can’t say that I am exactly happy about my birthday this year. I remember being excited about my birthday, but not this one. I have to admit that I had no plans of even seeing this one. He says that he has a surprise for me. Honestly, I don’t know what to expect. Unfortunately, fear was my first reaction…not excitement. That’s a horrible realization. I have asked this question so many times: how did I get here? How did I end up with a man that evokes pure fear in me? Not love, lust, longing, and don’t even think of happiness. He only brings fear into my life and he knows it. In fact, that’s what he wants. The last fight we had, he actually said, “I been waiting for this!” Really? This is what you have been waiting on? You have been waiting to whip my ass? Wow! We have been together for six months now. SIX MONTHS!! How can this happen in such a short period of time. How did I let it happen? Why do I continue to let it happen? Confession: I am deathly afraid of him.

November 6, 2005, 10:30p.m.      I sit alone in the dark in my bedroom as I type this. The only thing that lights me is the light from my computer screen. First and foremost, I will never celebrate another birthday. He has ruined that little bit of happiness. To think that he couldn’t just let me have this, shows what type of person he really is. But it’s too late for me now. I have let him completely take over my life in such a short time and now I don’t know how to get out. I’ve let him dictate what makes me happy, which is nothing now. He has control over everything in my life and now I have nothing left. This birthday will dwell in my nightmares for a lifetime. For him to do this vile thing to me and think it’s okay…I don’t know what to think or say about it. I feel so hollow inside. Is this what death is?

November 22, 2005, 12:00a.m.      It’s been little while since my last post. What am I going to do? My mother has told me to stay away from him. But I can’t. She doesn’t understand how much he needs me. He will soon understand how much I love him and see that the way he’s treating me is wrong and will stop. My mother doesn’t understand that he really does love me. He just gets upset sometimes. And I mean what is she mad about, she has no proof of what is going on. Why would she even try to keep us apart? If we can make it through this rough part of the relationship, I know he will be a good man. I see goodness in him. I just have to get him to see it in himself. I know I can change him. I know it!

November 23, 2005, 1:13a.m.      I really thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse than they already are. I was wrong. You know the answer to some of the simplest questions tell so much about a person. Someone asked me how I felt today and the first word that was on the tip of my tongue was not “fine”. It was “dirty”. I don’t know where that came from. I use to be a cheerful person. If a stranger spoke to me, then I would speak back. Now, I find that I look down when I walk. I don’t even recall when that started happening. I think I’m becoming ill. It seems as if all my strength has been sucked out of me. One minute I’m fine and the next minute I can barely stand up. I don’t understand it, but it’s been happening for the last three days. My biggest fear is that I am slowly dying.

November 30, 2005, 7:30p.m.      I have been sitting here thinking about all the people I have cut out of my life. I’ve noticed that I literally have no one to talk too. My best friend is gone. The last time I saw him he was pulling away from my house. Somehow I knew I wouldn’t see him again. He said he would see me later, but something in me said that I wouldn’t. I noticed how he acted toward my boyfriend and this was their first time meeting. I haven’t seen my best friend for two months now and I have to admit that I miss him. I could really use his shoulder right now. I would give anything to talk to him right now. I don’t have anyone…

December 5, 2005, 9:33p.m.      I have been on bed rest for the last three days and to be honest I feel absolutely no better. He has come to see me every day like he’s so worried about me and I can tell that he doesn’t. I had hoped that seeing me sick like this would soften him up. It hasn’t. He told me before he left tonight that staying away from him this long can only make things worse for me. He wouldn’t dare touch me in mother’s house. She’d shoot him where he stood within the blink of an eye. To be honest, I think my body is shutting down. There is no other explanation for it. The doctor couldn’t tell me what’s wrong. So it has to be only one answer. I’m dying…I know it! And I’m soo scared.

December 11, 2005, 4:25a.m.      I am really not in the mood to sleep tonight. I guess that’s why I have been up all night. I am glad to say that I have been feeling better. Not back to 100%, but better. Unfortunately, I was told that this is what depression feels like. I thought I was dying. It was depression all along. They gave a prescription for some kind of medicine that I can’t even pronounce. I’ve been doing a lot of praying–and I do mean a lot–that I make it through this stronger than I started. I have to admit that I thought he was poisoning me. How sinister is that? I have had so much time to think about my life and where I expected to be. And I never thought that I would end up here. I had plans. So what happened to them?

December 12, 2005, 8:02p.m.      Today I feel a little relieved. I don’t know if I should be happy about this or what. I am just numb of all feelings that deal with him. He was arrested today. For what, I don’t have the slightest idea. Some would say that this is my way out. Maybe it is. But am I strong enough to take it?

December 18, 2005, 9:47p.m.      I applied to college. I have been trying to find the right school to go to in order to finish my degree. Unfortunately, I found out that my credits will not transfer over. So if I plan to go to this school I would basically have to start over. I really don’t want to do that. I don’t know what to do. But I really want to try this. I still have time to finish school and go into my career. So, what could it hurt? I’m starting school in January!

December 22, 2005, 5:24p.m.      Well, it’s been a week and a half since he was arrested. He really doesn’t have a way to contact me unless he gets his mother to call me on three way. And even then the conversations are short. I have to say that I do feel like I can breathe a little more since he’s been gone. I admit that I do miss him. I truly don’t know why, but I do. He wants me to come visit him. I don’t see how he figures that is going to happen, I don’t have a car. And I don’t know how to ride a bus. I haven’t been on a bus since I was 8 years old with my grandmother. If I get on a bus I might end up in Arkansas some damn where. Honestly, it’s not just that, I don’t want to see him. I like it better when he’s not around. I need to figure out a way to make this permanent.

December 25, 2005, 12:30a.m.      MERRY CHRISTMAS! I just finished watching my brother open all of his gifts and I really did enjoy it. I heard myself laugh tonight and I haven’t done that in a long time. But watching his face light up when he opened the stuff that Santa (our mom and me) got him, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at how he was screaming. Now he’s roped me into sitting up with him half the night to play his new game system. I forgot about the good part of my life for a while. The part where there’s no one radiating anger…only happiness. It is really a Merry Christmas.

December 31, 2006, 12:02a.m.      Happy New Year! I decided to spend my new year at home this year. It’s a new start for me in more ways than one. I’m trying not to think of how I spent my last new year. It was not happy. I should have taken that as how horrible my year would be. But this is a new beginning for me. I just have to figure out how to take my life back. He comes home on the 2nd. Two days. I don’t want to see him, but I also know I won’t be able to stay away from him. I want my life back, but I don’t think I will be able to stand up to him.

January 3, 2006, 4:31p.m.      He came home yesterday. Of course the first thing he wanted was sex and I never was able to deny him that. But this time something happened that has never happened before. After it was over, I cried. I have only done that when he hurt me it’s never been like this. But afterwards I just broke down crying. I know he didn’t hear me or maybe he just didn’t care. I just know that I have to do something. I can’t go on like this.

January 10, 2006, 2:30p.m.      He’s not too happy with me starting school. But then again he also isn’t too happy with me working either. I thought he would see that I am doing this for us. Can’t he see that this can only make life better for both of us? I told him my major for school and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. But I told him that this is something that I have to do. He doesn’t like it but I have to do this. I have too. As far as the job situation, he goes to work with me every night. He says that it’s to make sure that I get home safely, but I don’t believe that at all. He sits and watches me. He doesn’t walk around at all. Just sit and watch. I work at a casino so no one notices him. No one except me.

January 18, 2006, 2:00a.m.      My boss asked me to come into the office today. I guess someone did notice. He asked me if I was any danger. He noticed a man had been watching me and wanted to know if there was anything wrong. I honestly couldn’t say anything. But I had to tell him something. I eventually told him everything was fine. I mean what the hell was I gonna tell him? “Oh, that’s just my boyfriend”. I couldn’t tell him that. But now I have to figure out something because eventually they’re not going to let him continue to do this or either I’m going to lose my job. I just started working here and I really like it. But I know trying to get him to understand this is going to start an argument. And I don’t feel like going through that.

January 26, 2006, 9:35p.m.      I had to take a day off work today. I’m not feeling well at all. Scratch that, now I’m starting to lie to myself. I couldn’t go to work today because we got into a fight. He told me to quit my job because he didn’t like how my boss was acting toward me. The job that I was originally hired to do has been put on the back burner. I still do the job, but now my boss has me working in the office with him. He (my boss) told me that he needed my help with a computer program that he didn’t know how to use. I’ve been working in the office for over a week now. I truly want to believe that it’s because he needs my help and not because he knows what’s going on. I mean sometimes he doesn’t even have me working, he just wants me to sit in the office and talk with him. I pray to God that he hasn’t picked up on what’s really going on.

February 7, 2006, 10:00a.m.      School is coming along pretty well! I am really enjoying it. I may sound like the biggest nerd right now, but I LOVE everything I am learning. Psychology is so interesting. Even when I don’t have to study I am still reading and doing research. I am actually excited about class, tests, and research papers. This is what I am supposed to be doing! I can feel it. I know I have some years to go, but to think that one day I will be a psychiatrist is amazing to me. To be able to help someone with their problems and to know that I made them feel better about whatever they are going through is something else. WOW! I am so hyped!

February 15, 2006, 4:00p.m.      I am so tired of my feelings going up and down. One minute I’m on top of the world, the next I just want to die. I really thought that everything was going well. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and to be honest I really thought that it would be one of those every blue moon romantic days that we have. It wasn’t. In fact, it was one of the worst weekends I have ever had to live through. I went to spend the weekend with him and just knew that he was going to have something nice planned. I think I really psyched myself up for it. His niece and nephew was there also, which I don’t mind at all, I am crazy about them and they about me. But what he did is something that I will never ever forget. He wanted to make love and told him no. I mean really. The kids were up. He could at least wait until they went to bed. He didn’t! While they were in the next room watching TV he made me have sex with him. This time I fought back. What if one of the kids walked in? I tried not to scream but he was hurting my beyond anything that I could possibly take. I do know they heard us; well they heard me, because his nephew came to the door and asked what was wrong with me. He didn’t even stop he just told his nephew to go back and watch TV. When he was done with me he made me stay in the bedroom the whole night, because he didn’t want the kids to see how I looked. I really never thought that he would be able to top the things he has done to me, but time after time things continue to get worst. My Valentine’s Day was not filled dinner, drinks, and love. It was a fucking nightmare. And now I can never get that night out of my mind. I don’t think I ever will. The last little strength I had, that last piece I had saved up just for me he took. I’m totally gone.

March 10, 2006, 11:51p.m.      I’m still in school, but I don’t enjoy it as much. I don’t plan on quitting, but the enthusiasm is gone. I’m not quite happy with anything anymore. I just kind of go through my day and hope not to draw any attention to myself. If I just stay out of the way, maybe I will just disappear and no one will notice that I’m even gone. Lately, I have been thinking about the type of influence I have on the people around me. Maybe influence is not the right word. But I wonder if I wasn’t here would anyone notice. Would they look up like a year after I’m gone and say “does anybody know what happened to Laura? I am going to have to call her”. You never know what you bring into a person’s life until it’s too late. It’s too late for me.

March 22, 2006, 9:06p.m.      I really thought things couldn’t get any worse than they already are. I was wrong! Things are escalating to levels that I never thought they would reach. Now he absolutely doesn’t care what he does to me. Every day is a battle with him. I literally have no more fight left in me. This last fight proves this. I didn’t even fight back. To be perfectly I don’t even feel anything anymore.

March 31, 2006, 3:00a.m.      I noticed a couple of days ago that I’m changing. My anger is starting to come out in ways that it never has before. I think I am slowly turning into him. Yesterday I hit him for no reason at all. He said something with the slightest hint of sarcasm and I slammed his head against the door panel in the car. What truly surprised me was that he didn’t hit me back nor was I afraid that he would. I really don’t like this side of me. It just seems like there is this huge build up and the only release I have is hurting him in some way. Just writing this makes me smile to think that I’m causing him just a little bit of pain.

April 10, 2006, 6:19p.m.      I truly cannot take any more of this. The sight of him makes me sick. I can’t stand him touching me. Our fighting has gotten so bad that I just know that he will eventually kill me if I don’t get out now. I think the very last straw has finally been pulled. He has really begun to do things to me that hurt to my very soul. Last night was the first time I had physically tried to kill myself. I know it will be worst if he does it. I mean he has already told me I will never leave him alive, so why not just go ahead and get it over with. I am literally at the end of my rope with no other place to go.

 

April 27, 2006, 9:00p.m.      Now there is no way for me to hide the bruises. I know my mother knew what was going on, but I had really psyched myself out that she didn’t. Now there is no hiding it. My mother is livid! The damn fool got one phone call in jail and he called me. My mother answered my phone. She told him she was going to kill him. An officer told her she couldn’t say that over the phone because the call was being recorded. She said “I don’t give a damn, just let him out of jail and y’all won’t have to worry about his ass anymore!” She also told him that this would be his last day on earth if she sees him. Right now, more than anything I am ashamed. Everyone knows now. My face is swollen, I have a black eye and now I can’t sleep without seeing him. Now he has taken over my dreams. I won’t ever get away from him. He won’t leave me alone.

May 25, 2006, 8:56p.m.      It’s been a little while since my last entry, but I had some things to clear up. I had to leave my job. Our last fight was pretty bad and I had to take some days off, but I was not there long enough to take the days. So I had to resign. I really enjoyed working there, but I couldn’t go back to work looking like I do. I finally broke up with him. Unfortunately, we were face to face when I did it. And he didn’t agree with the breakup. We were in my car this time when he attacked me. This time I truly wanted him to just finish me off. To hear myself scream that way is something I will never forget. All he kept saying was that he had been waiting to do this. Between the punches, I saw a man walk by my car. He didn’t have to jump in and help, he could have just called the police. This time though I just knew that I would not be found. That they would eventually find my body weeks later in that park. He dragged me from my car and told me that we were going into the woods to have sex. I knew I wasn’t coming out. I had to lie to him about going to get a room. I told him we could get a hotel room close by. Then I went to the bank and told him that I had to get some money. All l can say is that God works!! The man that parked next to us in the bank parking lot was my brother’s uncle. He looked right at me and didn’t say a word. He walked right pass me. It was like he didn’t recognize me. To this day I believe that was God giving me a way out. I followed him in the bank and asked him to help me. One of the bank tellers called the police and they arrested him on the spot. The last thing he said to me when he was in the police car was he was going to get me. I know this will not be over until he kills me.

June 1, 2006, 10:02a.m.      “I’m gon kill you bitch!” That was the voicemail I had on my phone this morning. He’s out of jail. The arresting officer told me that I didn’t have to press charges, that the state will do it. LIE!! No charges were pressed. They let his ass out of jail. After a few days he’s out walking the streets again. But now he stands out in front of my house. My mother keeps trying to get him to come in the yard. All she keeps saying is, “If he steps one foot in this yard I can kill him.” But he just stands across the street and watches the house. I have a friend who told me to get a restraining order. I really don’t think that’s going to help. If he wants to get me I don’t think a piece of paper will stop him. But I have made a very important decision. I am never going back to him…EVER! I have to take care of me for once and get myself together. I am so sad all the time and I just break down crying for no reason. I need to work on me. God please help me!

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