Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

I know the title may have thrown you a little, but hear me out. I know no one asks permission to bring danger into their lives. But, for conversational purposes, let’s say you did. When you met the man or woman that you thought you would be with for the rest of your life, did you take in consideration your mother’s opinion of them? If your mother didn’t like him or her, was that a deal breaker for you? Or, were you hard-headed like me and ignored it?
I still remember every word my mother ever said about him. I can remember her first reaction to him. She knew from the word “hello” that he was no good. And I ignored it because I really liked him and I felt that my mother never gave him a chance. I would always tell her “you don’t know him like I do.” When in fact, I was the one that didn’t know him.
Like everyone else who has encountered danger, I wish that I had listened to my mother and ignored his smile and his words. I wish I had run in the house and blocked the doors and windows. But alas, I didn’t. I listened when he spoke, I smiled when he was kind, and in the end, I fell in love. Well, I fell in damn in fool. For those of you that don’t know what “in damn fool” is, here’s what I mean.
Ever been so in love with a person that you put up with any and everything that they do? That you overlook the warning signs, the MIA moments, or any other red flags that you may see. “In damn fool” is the moment you realize that they have been lying to you the whole time and you still look pass it just to have them. Because in the back of your mind you believe that they will eventually see how great you are and how much you love them and they will change for you.
The only problem with that is that if they ever do change, it is usually for the worst. I can only speak from my own life’s example, but the change that came was not a good one. After the first slap, I thought that maybe I had provoked it in some way. I didn’t even fight back. Maybe he took that as fear. Maybe I was afraid of him.
I knew it was wrong to stay after that first time. Something said that it would only get worse. For two and a half years I put up with unspeakable acts of violence, that even now, at times still make me shudder. Recently, through a situation that I did not see coming, I found out that life does imitate art. Or is it the other way around?
When I sit back and think about everything I have been through, I find that I feel stronger than I did before. And even though I recently had an altercation with my abuser, I refuse to let him win. I am no longer the woman that needed to make sure that he was happy and never upset, while I lived in hell. I know now that I don’t have to go back to that place in my life when I thought about him before I thought about myself.
During that relationship I always needed someone to talk too. But I felt there was no one I could reach out too. I felt that I didn’t have anyone that would understand what I was going through. I thought that being in an abusive relationship excluded me from the groups of friends that I had. That they would think I was stupid for allowing this to go on. So, I kept my mouth shut.
I stayed quiet even when my days brought me to wishing that I was dead. Wishing that he would just kill me instead of letting it linger. That just maybe if I was dead everything would be better. Luckily for me, this was not to be! I fought to win back my life and I will continue to fight if I have too. So next time I see danger, I won’t have to ask my mother. I will already know to walk on by.

~Be Blessed~

14 thoughts on “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

  1. Laura, I want to applaud you courage in writing about your personal experience with domestic violence. Your comment about “Wishing that he would just kill me” really resonated with me. I was abused as a child & can clearly remember my father punching me in the face. With blood streaming down from my nose, in defiance I said, “Just kill me you SOB – I’ll be dead & you’ll be in jail.” As an adult, when these experiences came up w/ husbands or lovers, I knew to walk away. Yet, as you have pointed out, sleeping with danger can be addictive.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for reading my article. A lot of times we find it difficult to walk away from the danger, but it’s an every day battle. We have to remember that prayer works and God can get us through anything.

      Like

  2. You have a great message here! Your words – Be Blessed – are so hopeful and let me feeling good! Thanks for the post! You are a great writer!

    Like

  3. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I remember reading the statistics while I was in college – after I had my own experience. Even now, 30+ years later, it’s still a wound. The betrayal of trust… God says forgive. He doesn’t say forget! Never let yourself be the victim again.

    Like

    • Amen! I completely agree with you on how these things can stick with you. It’s been 12 years for me and unfortunately I still hear from him from time to time. He writes letters and I burn them. Some days can be harder then others, I still have my hang ups, but with prayer I make it through. ~Be Blessed~

      Like

  4. Laura, I am sorry you had to go through this experience. I thank God that you came out of it. Your willingness to share will help so many people that are in this situation, find the same courage that you had. As a pastor, I can help people navigate through these kind of situations, but I know for some they may think, “you just don’t understand.” Well, “you do understand” and your article is honest and real and empowering. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s