How did I get in this situation? When did loving this man turn into this? When did his gentle touches turn into slaps and punches? And most importantly, when did loving him become so hard? I have asked these questions so many times. All these questions and more would run through my mind daily. With no answer in sight.
If you don’t know, let me be the first one to tell you. ABUSE IS WRONG!! It is never okay to stay in a relationship where you feel threatened in anyway. Please know that love is not supposed to hurt. In my own relationship, I thought that if he saw that I would stand by him no matter what, he would change his ways and be the man I thought he could be. In other words, I tried to change him. Not possible!!
Out of everything that he put me through, I never once considered leaving him. Not until the very end anyway. Oh, sure I tried to leave him alone. Especially, after the first sexual assault. But he apologized a million times and eventually I started talking myself into believing him. I would tell myself that it was mistake that we just got our timing wrong and it was a misunderstanding. Of course, I was lying to myself. But, I wanted him to love me.
I remember fighting so hard to keep my sanity, keep him happy, and keep my family from finding out. All those things can take a toll on you physical and mentally. Before long I was suffering from depression. I couldn’t get out bed most mornings because it felt like a two-ton weight was on my chest. I couldn’t get through my mornings without feeling like I had run a hundred-mile marathon. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through.
I wanted to share this with you to show that you can come out of anything. That you are stronger than this. Do what my mother told me to do, “get out of that bed and stand on your own feet!” This is not the end of your life! Stand tall and strong!