The number one question that has been on my mind for the last few years is how to find happiness after abuse? I understand that many of you have asked this question a thousand times. For myself it was a question I avoided on the regular. Could it be possible to ever be happy again after being through something that didn’t only change your life but changed how you saw people? How you thought about people. How you would trust again. This is where life sorts of stops for me.
The other day a good friend of mine asked me if I was happy. I immediately said yes. Without thinking, I said yes. And when I realized that I meant it, I was in shock. I mean, I have everything I need. God has blessed me beyond anything I thought I deserved. But I was still in shock by this revelation because I had been faking happiness for years. Both during my relationship and after the relationship. And somehow I had gotten so good at faking it that even I couldn’t tell. Or at least I didn’t want to see the truth. Confession time, I’ve been existing instead of living my life. I haven’t been out on a date in years. Well, until now. And surprisingly I haven’t found a reason to run yet. Believe me, I tried. He knows me well enough not to push me too fast and I thank him for that. My biggest fear is to let my guard down. I know what will happen if I do. At least I think I know what will happen.
For those of you that have managed to move on with their lives, how did you find happiness? I know my quote of ‘There is life after abuse’ shows that I’ve found my happiness. But to be honest, I am only now learning about true happiness. And along with that happiness, I have a million questions. Have I only found happiness because there’s someone in my life? What about being happy and loving myself? How can I get back to that? How can I stop expecting the worse from everything and everyone? How…?